The Small Things

The smallest things can make the biggest difference. That is what Austin taught me. Unlike many of you, I didn't have the honor of knowing Austin well. We only met a few times and only for brief periods, but this past month has made me realize how influential he was to me. I have probably spent more time crying over his loss (and the other students, those affected, and the mental health of the driver and passengers in the accident) than I did knowing him. But I certainly don't regret it. For the past few weeks every other day or so I have checked blogs, reflected on life, looked at Austin's facebook, wandered what his life would be right now, and pondered writing this. I couldn't justify making people read an account that seemed so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But I think that as his family and friends, you would all appreciate knowing that even in only a few moments a stranger could tell how wonderful he was. And that even if people only crossed his path for a short time, he made a great impact on their lives.

The first time I met Austin was a few days after I moved to Boston, I was a freshman at Boston University. I can't recall whether it was the week of FYSOP, Orientation, or the first week of classes, but there was a carnival/dance party on the BU beach. Of course, I went, nervous and scared as all the other freshman were. Who were these people? What was I doing so far from home? Why in the world did I leave the place that I had always known?

I danced and climbed through inflatable obstacles like a child with some new people I met (who turned out to be great friends) before some people decided they wanted to go smoke hookah. I hated smoking and was again struck by the realization that maybe I just didn't belong. Maybe I was wasting my money to go to college and I was going to hate where I was. One person stayed with me and we went walking around into Marsh Plaza. The details of how I ended up on the steps of Marsh Chapel talking to random people I cannot recall, but there I was. Me, the single person I knew who didn't want to smoke, and random other people sitting on the steps talking about everything and nothing. Austin was one of those people, and he had cookies.

The cookies were from the snack table that was set up for the guests and I must not have hidden my shock at the theft very well because soon after I learned where the cookies came from Austin laughed and said something along the lines of, "well they are for us after all. we just thought they'd taste better with milk." Turns out, someone had run across the street to obtain milk and cups for the cookies. For the next half hour or so I sat on the steps of Marsh with these strangers, ate milk and cookies, and talked about everything unimportant. It was maybe the second time in Boston that I thought maybe I could belong. Austin, the boy with the most charming laugh, a genuine smile, and silly hair. The California boy who I found different and interesting. The boy who just wanted to have a good time, and share that with others. 

I believe Max was there that night. And Tori. But I distinctly remember Austin because on my first day of classes at 9am, my first college class ever, I walked into CAS room B12 for calculus. And at that moment, Austin's face was the most glorious thing that I had ever seen. I had taken calculus before, I knew the material. Calculus didn't scare me, I knew calculus (I actually loved calculus). What scared me was the people. The students just like me that I would have to meet and talk to. I wasn't good at small talk, what if I couldn't make friends? What if everyone hated me? What if I just wasn't ready for the real world?

Seeing Austin sitting in the class brought a smile to my face. It didn't matter that he had silly hair, wore different clothes and grew up thousands of miles away from me. I smiled the biggest smile knowing that someone I knew (and at least didn't hate me) was in my class. And he smiled back at me. And somehow I felt that things would be okay. Maybe not today, perhaps not even for a few weeks, but I would make friends. I would know people. And I could do this college thing. 

Everyday we chatted a bit in class, made small talk. I ended up dropping the class a few weeks in (because it turns out I already had received credit for calculus) and Austin and I lost touch. We met a few other times, recognized each other, chatted, but we didn't really get to know each other. For at least a little while though, Austin was the light at the end of the tunnel. He made me believe that things would work out. If he hadn't been there that first day, things may still have been similar to what they are now. But I know that I wouldn't have taken the chances in talking to people and getting to know people like I was able to with his influence. And I deeply regret not being able to express my thanks to him for the kindness and hope he gave.

Austin was a gift. And I hope this simple story brings smiles to the faces of those who cherish and love him. Even though people say small things can make a huge impact, it is regrettable that sometimes it takes a loss to realize how much these things really matter. And from my experience (especially with Austin) it was the very smallest of things that mattered most.

I know that everyone reading this knows that they were blessed to have loved and known Austin but I would like you all to take a moment to realize that he was equally as lucky to have your love, passion, and dedication in his life. For each and every one of you helped shape him into the amazing person he became. 

My thoughts, love, tears, and best wishes go out to you. May you all find some peace.

Always,

Laura